Lost?

I have no sense of time. I have no sense of money. I throw it away like it doesn't matter. To be fair; I think if I drop something I'm supposed to do for something I'd rather do, it won't be a waste of time. But once it's a week, or a month, or a year later I realize, I could be in a better situation had I done what I needed to do earlier. So it's a constant loop of wanting to be better, not doing better and longing for better. Once I'm in my dip, I try to find solutions that will help me out. I try them, fail and stay in the same situation. 

How to get out of this loop is my biggest struggle. I've tried planning, I've tried detoxing social media. I've tried alarms. I've tried podcasts and little mantras. But nothing has yet stuck. 

I see so many people of my age being able to do what they need to do. I feel like I'm betraying my family every single day. I have yet to achieve something. Something they would be proud of. Because I've come to terms that I can't make myself proud. I expect too much from myself, which is probably why I have not achieved anything. Like how I expect myself to get over my hardships; my mental-health, my confidence, my people-pleasing and my perfectionism, so that I can do what I truly desire. But that is really hard to fix, my mind is heavily wired to make myself not succeed. If it's not motivation, it's discipline. If it's not my confidence, it's my perfectionism. If it's not my people-pleasing, it's my guilt for taking the easy routes. 

I might be getting better with my body-positivity, but my confidence to own up to my needs and fulfill my wishes, is so different. Doing what I truly desire would be the biggest challenge of my life, but even as I'm writing this, I feel the pull towards it. I have sedated that pull for a long time. Tried to convince myself to be something else, someone else. But fighting against yourself is the hardest thing to do. Fighting your habits, your tendencies, your beliefs etc. Finding a balance of caring and not caring. Trying to hold it all together, finding out a lot of things are out of your control. Also, learning that everyone has a struggle just makes you wonder, what is the ideal way to live? 

Because if you are poor, you want to have more money to be happier. But the rich aren't all happy. If you're working in something you enjoy, you lose your love for it, because it has become a necessity rather than your hobby. If you work at a place that you don't love, you'd want to quit. You want to make a lot of money, but never want to do overtime. You want to study, but the way teachers teach these days makes your brain fry. Try online studying, but have no discipline to follow through with your assignments. You hear all of these ads talking about crypto this and drop-shipping that. But that has no security, you still need a job. I'm sorry, but crypto is the new casino gambling. Had to be said.

But the point is, satisfaction is a myth when it comes to life. I will never be satisfied with whatever I do, because I'm just too much of everything. I really think I can be a great mom, but I know I can't be anytime soon or just be a mom. I think I can be a great manager, a great social-worker, a great teacher, a great artist, a great athlete, a great singer, a great dancer etc. Yet I'm so far away from becoming any of those things, because the one thing I do want to do is the most dominant one in my brain and it causes me to fail at everything I try. I guess I'm too much of an optimist as well; since my brain is wired to, either do what I absolutely 100% like, or nothing at all. But my biggest fear is, trying it out and realizing I've wasted a lot of time reaching a dream I don't like. Like I said, I'm stuck in a loop.

My mother wants me to seek professional help, but knowing what I know now as an adult myself. Realizing how unserious life is, just makes me not trust anyone professional. 

Going to school really changed my perspective of a lot of things in this world. Nobody truly knows their profession 100%. So a doctor can be 80% knowledgeable, because they forgot a lot from their first year. And that's human; not being perfect, learning how to make due with the knowledge you have. But as a kid I always thought every adult knows what they are doing. Every nurse knows perfectly how to find a vein, every manager knows exactly how to manage a business for it to run smoothly etc.

Now knowing what I know as a former student myself and realizing I only need a 5.5 on every test to become an architect or to become an engineer of sorts etc.. Just makes it all super off-putting. Makes life so unserious. We used to build things from scratch, even without knowing about the existence of gravity, we knew how to build just by using our knowledge. We used to be original. Now I feel like we are all copies of one another. Not to mention how everything is becoming digital, we are losing touch with our brains, we are choosing fast pleasures and fast service, rather than quality and authenticity. I'm totally bashing our world right now instead of figuring out my own issues. That's another thing, I blame everyone but myself. 

We are all entitled. I might be one of the larger entitled people, I feel like I blame everything on the universe. I blame movies for giving me false hope. I blame the government for ruining my ability to travel more than 25 days a year. I blame the weather for being rainy, but on a sunny morning you won't see me walking in a park. I blame all bad things on everything else but myself and all the good things I don't even appreciate as much as I should. But blaming things that are out of my control on myself, is my favorite thing to do. 

Making this hasn't made me feel any better, I think it just made me realize how much in a loop I actually am. Long story short, I'm nowhere near to what I expected myself to be when I was a little girl. Which is fine, everyone should go on their own tempo, but more importantly, take the leap, take the jump and do what you want in the moment, it will teach you a lot about what you want and don't want. Which is the only thing I was able to learn as an adult. Learn to build yourself through trial and error, because if you choose to only see the failure, you will never win. And I'm still learning this everyday. Not letting my perfectionist side get her way. 

To anyone that reads this and resonates, even a little. You are not alone and you will be okay. Also, trying your best is enough, like I said it shows you what you want and what you don't.