Hair and it's unpredictability

Ever thought to yourself, "I really want to just buzz it all off."? That's my dilemma almost every 3 months. I have struggled a lot with my hair and still do. Watched 100's of YouTube videos. Tried 100's of hair product and hairstyles. My hair has been through it with me. However, even though I'm partially joking about buzzing down my hair. In the end I think that is what it really needs, a fresh start.

When I was, I believe 9 years old my hair was relaxed. I had hair down to my lower back, when stretched. Thick and big. My mother struggled with it, because it was so much hair. She asked the hairdresser to help with my hair. To give it a bit more softness, so she can comb through it better. Little did she know that the hairdresser completely misunderstood and proceeded to relax my hair. 

I remember that day vividly. Walking out of the salon, with my brand new pin-straight hair, that falls all the way down to my lower back. Like Willow Smith said, whipping it back and forth. I was in love. Absolutely in love. No one could tell me nothing. One of my happiest moments, a core memory as they say. 

Of course now that I have once been relaxed, there is no going back. I never realized this as a kid, but it was damaging for my hair. Anytime my scalp would burn during the procedure, it would damage my scalp. Every time my "split-ends" were being cut, would mean my hair would barely grow back. So in turn all that beautiful long and thick hair, eventually became damaged shoulder length hair. 

Unfortunately, this is what a lot of Dominicans do. It was somehow instilled in us that our natural hair isn't up to standard.

We have this satire international day for our hair, International Tubi Day. It basically is on December 24th, Christmas Eve. Almost every Dominican family, if not all, have a dinner on the night of December 24. Which means we go all out when it comes to looking fabulous, especially the hair.

Like I said before, once you start relaxing there is no going back. Our natural hair always wants to come forward. So the minute our freshly styled hair gets humidity of any kind, it will puff up. So we wrap it up into a Tubi. It's similar to a bonnet's purpose, only it's a head-fitted net, which keeps your hair wrapped and in place. So that when you want your hair out, you take it off, comb it into shape and wear it out. This way your hair is away from water or sweat. We'd wear a shower cap on top, just in case during showers.

I couldn't find a single selfie of myself with a Tubi, so here is a link to google images. *Bombastic side eye*

Now fast-forward to when I moved from the Netherlands to Sint-Maarten. Going from a place where people had straight hair, to going to a place where people had their natural curly hair. I realized then that it's really beautiful. Or maybe just a little bit, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to embrace my natural hair as well. And have healthy hair. But I couldn't just do a big chop, just like that. I was in high school, my shy years. Going basically bald, was a no-no.

So I did what any rational girl would do, let it grow with the damaged. For a long few years, I stopped relaxing and just doing blowouts. No chemicals, just heat. Probably not the best method to grow out your natural hair. Maybe that's why it took me so long, compared to my other transitioning peers. But eventually in 2017, I finally did the chop. My hair length was right above my shoulder and it looked healthy. 

I had expectations of my hair, high ones. I wanted my hair to look like the hair of those who never relaxed their hair. I wanted my hair to grow till my lower back like when I was younger. I wanted my hair to be thick and big. I only received one of those wishes as of right now. When I first did the chop, I had none of those wishes come through. My curl patterns were all different and some curls were loose, heat-damaged. I obviously didn't have lower-back length hair. And it wasn't all that thick and big. 

But not only did my wishes not come true, I barely knew anything about my natural hair. Left and right girls would talk about how they maintain and nurture their hair. Protective styles, defining, Denman brush, twists, gels, deep-conditioning. Me, being uneducated, always just put leave-in and called it a day.

I once wore my natural, chopped curly hair to school and one of my peers asked me when I am going to define my curls. I thought that that is what I did. She then asked what I did, a wash and go? I just agreed. Even though I didn't know the difference. 

That's when I started to take everything serious, it wasn't as simple as wetting my hair and slapping on leave-in conditioner. I started watching videos and learning about everything. I loved to do deep-conditioning treatments and bantu-knots. Till this day though, I have never sat down to define my hair to the last curl. It was too tedious for me, especially since I always wear my hair in a ponytail. I never really liked my hair length, so I would always put it up in a bun. I was very low maintenance, still am. But I was getting the hang of my natural hair. 

Moving back to the Netherlands at 18 years old. My hair was the worst since the chop, because I was applying too much heat in a small amount of time. With graduation, a random blow-out then catching a flight. My hair was damaged. So I technically had to just keep straightening it, by myself because I now live in The Netherlands where I don't have a trusty salon. And just like that I had to transition again. 

I was going through it in 2019, I didn't like the career paths that I was choosing, I was all by myself in the Northern part of the country. Every other peer who also moved to the Netherlands that year, were more in the southern cities. So I was having a rough time. And my transitioning hair was my last straw. I chopped off all the damaged hair, leaving about an inch and a half of hair on my head. Don't ask me what I was thinking. Just know that that decision in the long run helped. But back then it only worsened my problems. 

The second I saw my hair, I was thinking of all the possible ways that I can style it. I cut up a pantyhose and turned it into an elastic band. Tried different styles. And I hated all of them. I wanted my ponytail back. So I had a weekend to come up with something.

I remembered box-braids.

I took a long bus ride to go to an African hair shop. The city I was in is literally called Farmer's land. So imagine the little resources I had. I bought 1B hair, which is black and I have brown hair. Watched a bunch of videos. When I tell you, horrid? I mean horrid. But I rolled with it, my lumpy braids, with blunt cut ends. 

Little by little I learned how to properly do my braids though and I'm proud of that fact. 

I grew my hair out with applying little to no heat, in half a year I was able to put my hair in two buns, super cute era. Not long after a regular bun etc. Then it was just down to regular damage. Split-ends. One Christmas Eve I decided I wanted to straighten my hair, to see my length. I realized then how dead my ends were. With my ponytails my hair would always be out in the brittle air of The Netherlands, so it was probably dying every day. I once again decided to chop off the damaged, but it wasn't much like the other time. The only issue was, that I'm too impulsive and I cut all the damage, not caring for the different lengths my hair will have.

And so the way my natural was falling afterwards, I hated it. I had short curly pieces of hair in the back, short sides, long hair on the top of my head. When I tell you I wanted to buzz it off, best believe I wanted to. Wigs are becoming the thing now, so why not just buzz it and wear a wig? But I'd always circle back and think of everything me and my hair have been through and just deal with her. 

Hair is very important to me, I already had a little taste of what I could possibly look like if bald. I wish I had that self-esteem. Because I know my hair would flourish from it. Even though right this second my hair has never been this healthy, I still want to chop it off. But the reason for that will be all the different curl patterns that is on my head. Like I said, hair and it's unpredictability. 

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